90-year-old armed with toe-clipper causes terrorist scare

A 90-year-old women caused a major terrorist alert this afternoon at JFK Airport in New York after being caught attempting to smuggle a toe-clipper past customs.  Eight heavily armed security guards had to tackle the pensioner to the ground to restrain her.  The incident occurred as the suspect attempted to board flight 103 from New York to Seattle.

The government acted robustly in response to the incident by immediately raising the domestic terrorist threat from amber to red on the Homeland Security Terrorism Advisory Scale. 

Meanwhile, a customs spokesman for the airport confirmed that “security personnel acted rapidly and proportionally to neutralise a terrorist threat at 3.53pm today to restore public safety.”

The Obama Administration has acknowledged the occurrence and has advised citizens to remain vigilant. A senior source said, “A deplorable act of terror has been foiled yet again by the courage of those in security serving selflessly. Americans need to remain on high alert and to report any suspicious activity to the trustworthy authorities. Ask yourselves necessary questions such as: is my best friend a terrorist? Does my home have multiple evacuation routes planned for when Bin Laden returns?"

After being arrested, the woman was transported to segregated confinement for pre-custodial inmates at a nearby supermax security unit reserved for the ‘worst of the worst’.  Typically housing involves 23-hour-per-day, single-cell confinement coupled with minimal human contact, and potato-peeling luncheon.

Under anti-terrorism legislation the 90-year-old perpetrator will be provided with no legal representation if deemed a threat to national security and could face a minimum tariff of 40 years in jail on conviction.

The dreadful security concern come just a week after a terrorist scare happened when a 6-year old suspect described as being from Pakistani origin was seen farting over the Atlantic.