'Revolutionary` environmental plan unveiled by UK government

David Cameron has today announced the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition’s package of new environmental policies designed to combat the unwanted effects of climate change.

The Prime Minister was keen to express his newly found green roots to our news reporter, “You see to help combat environment change the answer isn’t to cut pollution levels or to tax cars because it's bad for the economy,” said a very convinced looking Mr Cameron. "We’ve been getting it all wrong these years.  All we have to do is convince everyone in this country to drink ten gallons of water a day to help combat rising sea levels.”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has reinforced the Prime ministers innovation, "Times are especially hard for the public out there who are being relentlessly squeezed from all directions.  The positive side of climate change needs to enter the debate. The warming of the climate will be particularly helpful to decrease heating bills of low income families whose living costs have hit stratospheric heights.  Embracing climate change is now official government policy.”

Mr Cameron’s comments have provoked supportive replies from most major right-wing tabloid newspapers, who have for years condemned the cold and wet British weather and would prefer a more 'attractive', ‘desirable’ and 'Mediterranean' climate after 2013 was declared statistically the wettest year on record. 

Rupert Murdock's 'The Sun' initiated their own front page campaign entitled "MAKE IT HAPPEN FASTER", they encourage the public to "drive as unnecessarily as possible" and "to abuse aerosol spray cans obscenely".  They also added that The Guardian's campaign to encourage tree plantation was "ridiculous" and branded them "typical left-wing glacier-huggers with zero scientific substance". The Daily Mail conclued that these are 'revolutionary ideas' and that "millions of Brits will no longer need to flock to Spain to pursue a decent holiday".

Meanwhile, as news of the British strategy reached across the Atlantic, President Barack Obama responded officially at the White House and gave his verdict on how to fight global warming. "After seeing the disgusting carnage and flooding of Hurricane Sandy, I need to reach out to my fellow Americans.   With more impending disasters this leaves a President only one remaining choice: federally subsidised swimming lessons for all.”

Former President George Bush was also at hand to give an enlightening opinion. “The only counter to global warming is an American-made nuclear winter against Iran." He continued, “Polar bears might be extinct soon, I’m always told, and who goddamn cares? All bears do is kill people and steal honey.”

Thomas Daily, the Chairman of 'Corporations United in Neglecting Trees Society' (CUNTS), which is an institution that lobbies government officials, told our reporter that corporate interests should be at the heart of environmental government policy. "Solar panels become more effective and the sales of ice-cream and bikinis rocket directly from the rise in temperature.  The profits for business are immeasurable in the global fight for climate change. I can't think of a single negative consequence stemming from the destruction and plundering of the planet's resources.

Traditionally China has ignored plans to install any type of environmental regulations on their country, but even they seem to see the sense in the British Prime Ministers logic.  Rumours are surfacing that Chinese authorities are planning to commit themselves in creating 10 million new acres of rice paddy fields per day.  It is hoped that the perpetual release of methane gas into the atmosphere can destroy the ozone layer in order to see the positive effects of global warming.