90-year-old armed with toe-clipper causes terrorist scare

A 90-year-old women caused a major terrorist alert this afternoon at JFK Airport in New York after being caught attempting to smuggle a toe-clipper past customs.  Eight heavily armed security guards had to tackle the pensioner to the ground to restrain her.  The incident occurred as the suspect attempted to board flight 103 from New York to Seattle.

The government acted robustly in response to the incident by immediately raising the domestic terrorist threat from amber to red on the Homeland Security Terrorism Advisory Scale. 

Meanwhile, a customs spokesman for the airport confirmed that “security personnel acted rapidly and proportionally to neutralise a terrorist threat at 3.53pm today to restore public safety.”

The Obama Administration has acknowledged the occurrence and has advised citizens to remain vigilant. A senior source said, “A deplorable act of terror has been foiled yet again by the courage of those in security serving selflessly. Americans need to remain on high alert and to report any suspicious activity to the trustworthy authorities. Ask yourselves necessary questions such as: is my best friend a terrorist? Does my home have multiple evacuation routes planned for when Bin Laden returns?"

After being arrested, the woman was transported to segregated confinement for pre-custodial inmates at a nearby supermax security unit reserved for the ‘worst of the worst’.  Typically housing involves 23-hour-per-day, single-cell confinement coupled with minimal human contact, and potato-peeling luncheon.

Under anti-terrorism legislation the 90-year-old perpetrator will be provided with no legal representation if deemed a threat to national security and could face a minimum tariff of 40 years in jail on conviction.

The dreadful security concern come just a week after a terrorist scare happened when a 6-year old suspect described as being from Pakistani origin was seen farting over the Atlantic. 

Heterosexual surge in divorce numbers blamed on gay marriage

The number of divorces across America has risen sharply over the past several months according to a recent report by the Christian think-tank ‘The Biblical Interpretation of Gays and Other Transgressors (BIGOT).

The report entitled ‘The wider implications of Queer Marriage’ argues that the 15% rise straight-couple divorces seen over the past year correlates strongly to the gradual legalisation of same-sex marriage within in America. Seventeen States currently facilitate gay marriage and the number is increasing. The report also warns of further extreme weather including flooding as society suffers the full impact of God’s wrath over the immorality.

Professor Rodger Smith, who is the think-tank’s coordinator, and an expert in Christian Theology, said that the results prove that unnatural gay marriage leads directly to higher divorce rates amongst straight couples whilst massacring the traditions of marriage.

He said, “Marriage is deeply rooted in human nature and is thus governed through natural laws. The most elementary concept of this is that good is pursued and wrongful acts of immorality are avoided. No judicial fiat by federal or state courts can alter this and many wider societal problems are related to this violation of God’s law. For many Americans the gayness now tainting marriage gives it an unnatural texture like GM foods and medical intervention. America supports none of this and hence the increase in straight couple divorce rates which is being imposed on them by homosexuals.”

He continued, “Marriage should provide the beneficial fruits for a stable, moral and affectionate atmosphere similar to those moments we saw inside the 48-hour marriage of Britney Speares. The sanctity of this should not be squandered because of a few choosy sexual deviants. Those that believe homosexuality is not a choice are those who also claim that the world is round.” 

A broken-hearted women from Texas, Martha, 39, struggled to hold back tears when describing the devastating impact gay marriage had on her 20-year relationship  with husband Bill, 41.

She said, “Back in the happier days we were positive about the future and would fondly coo to each other as caring couples do. But the he decision by judges to legalise same-sex marriage has ripped our family apart. We just want to be placed on a pedestal by the government to make us feel legislatively unique. We know we’ve got something special which is only shared by 96% of the wider population. It’s not that we hate gays but they just don’t have it. Myself and Bill just cannot look at each other in the same loving way anymore. I've told him that if its over we will still be cousins at least” 

Martha said that when gay marriage became legal in Illinois it was the final blow after her husband, Bill, had been facing ongoing psychological damage attributed to the spread of gay culture

She said, “He used to love to wear his pink shirt with a rainbow logo on it. But he couldn’t go out with it anymore without people thinking it was his gay badge. He kept muttering that the homosexuals stole his rainbow and he wanted it back. He just couldn’t take it anymore.” Bill suddenly interjected, “But..but, I’m not gay, I’m just sensitive I tell you!”

A source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that they are  worried about the long-term effects of homosexual tolerance promoted to children. 

“The most popular kids at my children’s school are all openly gay and freely hold hands in the playground. It’s like the coolest thing you can be now. I worry about the legalisation of gay marriage because gay people only ever raise gay children and it spreads. What happens if straight people became the stigmatised minority instead? Society shouldn’t have to change its foundations for these weirdos. It’s not like we had to change any laws because of cars, inter-racial marriage and progressive stuff like that.”

The report comes just days after a federal court declared Utah’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional. The debate continues….

'Revolutionary` environmental plan unveiled by UK government

David Cameron has today announced the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition’s package of new environmental policies designed to combat the unwanted effects of climate change.

The Prime Minister was keen to express his newly found green roots to our news reporter, “You see to help combat environment change the answer isn’t to cut pollution levels or to tax cars because it's bad for the economy,” said a very convinced looking Mr Cameron. "We’ve been getting it all wrong these years.  All we have to do is convince everyone in this country to drink ten gallons of water a day to help combat rising sea levels.”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has reinforced the Prime ministers innovation, "Times are especially hard for the public out there who are being relentlessly squeezed from all directions.  The positive side of climate change needs to enter the debate. The warming of the climate will be particularly helpful to decrease heating bills of low income families whose living costs have hit stratospheric heights.  Embracing climate change is now official government policy.”

Mr Cameron’s comments have provoked supportive replies from most major right-wing tabloid newspapers, who have for years condemned the cold and wet British weather and would prefer a more 'attractive', ‘desirable’ and 'Mediterranean' climate after 2013 was declared statistically the wettest year on record. 

Rupert Murdock's 'The Sun' initiated their own front page campaign entitled "MAKE IT HAPPEN FASTER", they encourage the public to "drive as unnecessarily as possible" and "to abuse aerosol spray cans obscenely".  They also added that The Guardian's campaign to encourage tree plantation was "ridiculous" and branded them "typical left-wing glacier-huggers with zero scientific substance". The Daily Mail conclued that these are 'revolutionary ideas' and that "millions of Brits will no longer need to flock to Spain to pursue a decent holiday".

Meanwhile, as news of the British strategy reached across the Atlantic, President Barack Obama responded officially at the White House and gave his verdict on how to fight global warming. "After seeing the disgusting carnage and flooding of Hurricane Sandy, I need to reach out to my fellow Americans.   With more impending disasters this leaves a President only one remaining choice: federally subsidised swimming lessons for all.”

Former President George Bush was also at hand to give an enlightening opinion. “The only counter to global warming is an American-made nuclear winter against Iran." He continued, “Polar bears might be extinct soon, I’m always told, and who goddamn cares? All bears do is kill people and steal honey.”

Thomas Daily, the Chairman of 'Corporations United in Neglecting Trees Society' (CUNTS), which is an institution that lobbies government officials, told our reporter that corporate interests should be at the heart of environmental government policy. "Solar panels become more effective and the sales of ice-cream and bikinis rocket directly from the rise in temperature.  The profits for business are immeasurable in the global fight for climate change. I can't think of a single negative consequence stemming from the destruction and plundering of the planet's resources.

Traditionally China has ignored plans to install any type of environmental regulations on their country, but even they seem to see the sense in the British Prime Ministers logic.  Rumours are surfacing that Chinese authorities are planning to commit themselves in creating 10 million new acres of rice paddy fields per day.  It is hoped that the perpetual release of methane gas into the atmosphere can destroy the ozone layer in order to see the positive effects of global warming.

I'm officially pro forced-abortion

When engaging in mundane life I always seem to bump into people who I cannot stand.  This has been a recent trend for me and it happened again today. I'm an anti-social bastard and losing contact with people is quite normal.

"Hi Misanthrope, long time no see," said the pram pushing girl. My attempt to maneuver my back towards the girl in order to shield my identity had failed miserably. I wasn't in the mood for "catching up" with inane chatter or speaking to people who I have no interest in knowing.

She picked up her little bundle of horrors out of the pram, which hid her enormous belly (she must be expecting a second at the age of barely 17) and stared at me with verbal expectation.

"...a lucrative career in chronic breeding, slut," I muttered under my breath still not facing her properly.

"Sorry?.." She said.

"I said... great to see you, cute kid you have there!" I said feigning enthusiasm.

This of course a double lie. I wasn't please to see her nor was her child 'cute'.

Why do mothers insist that all kids are cute? I've seen some disgusting little runts out there and this future criminal was up there with the ugliest.

I didn't know whether to offer my condolences for giving birth such a putrid creature or to call NASA and inform them that the invasion had begun.

"His name is David, but this one wasn't planned", she said proudly pointing to her belly unaware of my prior sarcasm.

"Ohhh, accidents happen you know," I said wishing that the 'accident' she suffered was falling down the stairs instead of her panties being ankle warmers again.

I was quickly weighing up my options on what to say next.

Having a kid and no father is a terrible situation. Mothers may as well stick a large fluorescent sign on their head saying "most unfortunate make-shift father needed". It's a truly terrifying thought.

What made matters worse in this pandemonium is that informing them that their child is potentially from Mars is often considered quite rude.

"It must be so rewarding being a single mum and no dad," I said, I was nearly about to punch myself in the face for saying something so ridiculous.

No doubt this girl had barely embarked on a long career of government reliance. In a society that morally endorses abortion why heavily subsidise the despicably irresponsible?

"Oh Misanthrope, how sweet of you! I didn't know you liked kids?" she asked.

I couldn't take this nonsense any longer. I needed to run home in order self-medicate by drinking heavily alone. I made my apologies and said that I needed an urgent psychiatric appointment and scuttled away quickly to avoid any more unwanted social interaction.

Obviously, I do like children, but only when they are well-behaved or locked in cages.

A helpful shove for the suicidal

Don’t you just hate it when some selfish suicidal bastard decides to sit on the edge of a building for 3 hours instead of quickly jumping? The police block off the entire area turning it into a static waiting game until the offender jumps. When he’s done the deed everyone is pointing and laughing while the medical team scrape the mushy remains into a bucket to take to the zoo to feed the hyenas.

I’m not saying that you shouldn't enjoy your suicide, after all you only die once and therefore you need to make the most of it.  I know that suicide can be an excellent stunt to get revenge on your girlfriend after she has dumped you.  It can also be an escape from embarrassment if you have failed your exams. Suicide can be a permanent solution for an epic failure like yourself. However, please do not let it affect others in the process.

Also, make it an entertaining suicide:  head-butt a wall instead or try drink a bottle of bleach.  We don't want to see any more fat people belly-flopping off buildings onto the hard concrete or teenagers attempting paracetamol overdoses, thank you. I'm officially a suicide prevention counsellor and if anyone wants my advice just ask for my number. 

My first idea to prevent these ongoing nuisance from happening needs the employment of The Designated Pusher. At any time when a depressed attention seeking loony wants to kill themselves by jumping off a building The Pusher -who is dressed in a full length flowing cape and silly mask- will run behind him to give a helpful shove while the police are distracting him with a loud speaker. Ultimately this cuts down on congestion, police time, and general frustration. These people feel like the worst people in the world and they are in need of a little help. They are not just recklessly suicidal but are also highly indecisive.

My second idea is to place a large thin piece of paper on the concrete ground to where the offending time waster is planning to jump, this plain paper will mimic the look of a giant cushion thus fooling him into jumping.  There could be a Suicide Betting League where rich white men bet thousands on when the jumper is going to kill themselves by using a timer. The closest guesser is the winner! I see many niches and profits available with this idea.

An old women called me an 'arsehole'

I got shoved by some decrepit old fucker in the local shop earlier who then instantaneously ignited a cannon ball of abuse at me.   I stood there cold staring at her decaying matter in surprised confusion.

Local shops may be diverse demographic dreamlands during weekends that would make any mainstream-multicultural politician squeal with delight, but during working hours they are dominated largely by old people.  Naturally, I don't like old people very much as there is nothing worse than having to listen to some piss-drenched OAP ramble about cats and ‘Ted next door’.

Old people are a serious burden on our society’s youth with their unaffordable pension schemes and colossal usage of NHS resources.  Every generation should pay for itself. These people have had good innings they should be grateful for that and willingly wallop their wickets all-out for lifes last dissmisal.   Prolonging the inevitable is futile as their impending doom and slobbering senility deepens.

Being the Misanthropist which I am, I don't often leave my house from the fear of accidently meeting people but this morning I had little choice: I needed beer.  I was in the shop and spotted enemies amongst the aisles everywhere, you see them shuffling the vicinity buying old people products like prune juice whilst holding cat-food coupons.

I was in the shop for around two-and-a-half-minutes, which is way too long for me.  I knew I was just asking for trouble.

As I walked through a dingy aisle I felt a skeletal hand grip my shoulder with surprising strength.  I automatically turned around and pulled my default despicable scowl to let my repulsion be known.  My eyes were then met with a little old lady of four feet high who had the thousand fires of hell burning in her ageing ape eyes.

"Get out of the fucking way, arsehole", she screamed, the old woman's body jerked with rage in unity with her verbal assault.  I stood there disobediently and jaw-agaped looking like a man who had just been insulted by an old woman not far from her expiry date.  You don't expect it from someone who looks like they could potentially wither away and shrivel up infront of your very eyes.  If she appeared a day under 96 I would have punched her, naturally.

I do not know who exactly this person was, but for the sake of anonymity and protection of the old and vulnerable we'll call her 'Beelzebub'.

"Are you ever going to ever fucking move", Beelzebub's demented chorus continued.  I stared at the disgusting wretch in the midst of the brimstone, and the disgusting wretch stared back at me.

I couldn't be completely sure, had it just called me an arsehole?

"Did you just call me an arsehole?” I enquired.

Beelzebub quickly gave confirmation.

"OK.  Just checking!" I replied as the grappling hell-fire consumed me.

Ryanair awarded British military contract

The Ministry of Defence has today announced it has awarded the civilian airline company Ryanair a defence contract with the British military. The lucrative 10-year contract is estimated to be worth tens of millions of pounds. 

Other bidding contenders, most notably the aeronautical giants BAE systems and Boeing, were shunned after the Ministry of Defence said that the budget airline offered superior value for money. 

A spokesperson for Ryanair said they would be responsible for the transportation of soldiers and provide aircraft for the RAF. 

He said, “Ryanair is delighted with the arrangements with the MOD, which includes but is not limited to the transportation of thousands of British troops into future warzones. Also, we shall provide our well-maintained Boeing 737’s as a direct replacement for the retired Nimrod R1 spy plane. This state-of-the-art 185-seater plane will be at full capacity and provide forces on the air and ground with real-time intelligence from the scene.

The spokesperson also revealed that Ryanair is collaborating with the Ministry of Defence to help mitigate incoming military redundancies, which will see 31,000 military personnel lose their jobs by 2020. 

He said, “This potential redundancy programme will see hundreds of our highly trained cabin crew members temporarily boost numbers by working side-by-side with the military by supporting future combat operations. It is designed to safeguard against any crucial skills that may be lost.”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, hailed the contractual agreement as a success proving that the government is upholding British military capability.

He said, “This arrangement ensures that despite deep austerity our military remains a first-class player in an increasingly unstable world. Ryanair has a proven track record of happily getting millions of Brits abroad in hectic conditions. Therefore, they are the perfect choice when rapid deployment of British soldiers is needed to maintain world peace and protect democratic values.”

The news comes a day after it was announced that military apparel, including body armour, boots and night vision goggles, was to be manufactured by sports clothing company Adidas.

Restrained writing

(I don't write these formidable nuisances very often: here is a poem that is restricted to all words possessing the vowel 'e' and syllable count matching.)

Green

The freeze here ends: green seeds embedded

The seeds germinate: slender stems erect.                                         

Fresh sweet flowerets emerge. Perfect.                                               

Trees see green anew: unseen bees merry below.                             

Behold the earth’s green: explore the splendid scene.                      

The leaves then fell beneath feet.  Deceased.                                    

We need greens return.                                                                           

micro fiction + weird prose poetry

Micro/Twitter Fiction

(6 words) Vodka Night. Condom split. ‘Oh shit!’

 (120 characters) I searched my wife’s browser history. Google search results: ‘How to enjoy a small penis.’ I think my wife is cheating on me!

 (120 characters) I visited a brothel on my stag night. My father in-law knows. But he won’t say anything because he came too.

 (120 characters) Fired from work today. The tranny belched at a table nearby. ‘That wasn’t very lady like’, I just couldn’t help myself.

 Prose poetry
‘Mortuary mounting at 8’, read the message. Timothy was the most explicit user of our illicit service provided at the feral funeral parlour. He was not dissimilar to others in that he found a deep attraction to the dead’s pallor. However, Timothy was never satisfactorily relived with mere ogling or the careful caressing of corpses. No, his depths of depravity were whips, chains and the romping of remains.

 You may ask why I allow the desecration of dearly deceased Grandma. Well, if you are no longer living and lovely you won’t notice a thing anyway. The thought of a tibia bone making a teasing truncheon is too twisted for most to contemplate. Even the bible does not forbid this seductive sodomy as it is too repulsively repellent to rationalise.

 Timothy’s action after a modest transaction. 90-year-old female: all decomposed: ‘Quick! Off with the coffin pall!’ 6-year old male: freshly dead leukaemia sufferer: ‘Splendid to embed’. 23-year old female: decapitated car crash victim: ‘Kinky casualty’.

 I like to think we offer a sellers service to the lowest of earthly dwellers: repressing these bottled-up body-snatchers burdens the buried in being an unburied bike. Sex and death are intimately alike: both affect you and are next to you. Maybe inside of you too. The slapping of cerements is quite literally the fatal attraction.

 Everyone ends up in our hands. Dead. Cremation plans won’t spare you from funeral fondling. It won’t stop Timothy with a hellish hard-on from masturbating into your urn and making a sadistic stew out of your ashes and his cum.

Colour blind America and The New Age of Liberal Racism

 It was Martin Luther King who famously said that people should be “judged on their content of their character and not the colour of their skin.” During this period stretching back to into times of slavery, the public domain was smeared with overt racist discourses and people were wrongly distinguished biologically according to ancestry. The landmark civil rights movements in the 1960’s brought an upheaval on racial perceptions.

 The concept of people being judged on their individual merits rather than wholly on race was born. Colour was no long a crucial difference justifying socially enforced segregation, instead it was sold as an attribute of little importance. Consequently, the most overt racism practiced became shamed and social egalitarianism gobbled it up. This concept promoted the idea that people are always equal which was deeply embedded in the dearly held beliefs of liberalism and individual rights. This ideology in principle is noble and initially led to untold positives stretching beyond the American borders. Many still passionately hold these beliefs and would fight for them. However, ironically, it has become a double-edged sword that modernly facilitates the majority’s interests by its institutional unwillingness to reaffirm long lasting inequalities.

 America is on the very fringes of the low-context and low-power cultural markers, which create a society obsessed with individualism. Consequently, it is why various group still viciously oppose state intrusion even for the collective greater good. Guns and the irrational reaction it provokes from various groups is an excellent example. It is also a cultural philosophy that enables them to rationalise racial problems on broader societal patterns from their microscopic focus on the individual.

 According to Chief Justice John Roberts, "The way to stop racism is to stop discriminating on the basis of race." However, racism in the 21st century is generally not perpetuated from overt individual attitudes, since the minority is protected vigorously under law, but it is the statistical facts in terms of incomes, housing, health and opportunities that can be categorised purely through race. Interestingly, present strategies cannot dismantle broader racist inequalities, and therefore the entire liberal philosophy on race no longer offers a suitable path to progress. Despite reaching the pinnacle of progress in individual rights the wealth gap in America between African American and White European American’s has tripled since 1980. Currently white employment post-credit crunch is 6% but African-American`s is standing over 13%.

The implementation of colour blindness into politics compounded with the myopic focus on the individual, has shushed the identified race disparity and allowed it to silently continue unchanged. The problem with blindness in pretending people of all groups are equal is that it functions on the assumption that the playing field is balanced when it evidently is not. It allows the perpetrators behind the policies, many whom are well meaning or vocal minorities themselves, to aggressively deny any trace of racism through no mention of race.

 Such political stoicism by turning race into a non-issue, which is contrary to the disturbing facts, can ultimately only favour those who hold an unfairly advantageous position through a lack of interference. Scientists universally deny biological difference between the so-called ‘races’, and therefore societal indifference cannot be attributed to genetics. However, it is proven by academics to still be an important element of identity and social classification.

If race is such a non-issue why has the topic of race gradually become taboo in which white majorities evade? Such taboo facilitates its omission meaning it cannot be understood and addressed sensibly, instead we simply try to pretend it doesn’t exist and therefore cannot come to terms with centuries of disadvantage from cultural, physical, economic and legal discrimination. Unfortunately this race ideology has become dominant in many of the western democracies, which indirectly enables racism through misattributing current racial problems.

Ultimately political irrelevance of race in America is a dead-end which selectively ignores the obvious sociological problems America suffers from. Progress will only be initiated further when the current journey of progress itself is challenged. The mere idea of this will no doubt be an affront to very foundations of the unshakable values many of you have been spoon-fed as ideological commonsense over the years. So, when will we start talking about race again?

Women are easy with a bit of wealth and power

Kulap says: hi 21 f Thailand here

Lord Misanthrope says: Greetings, peasant.

Kulap says: urs pls is?

Lord Misanthrope says: England. I'm currently looking for a wife from Thailand.

Kulap says: relly?

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes, I am sweet dear.

Kulap says: what is a lord?

Lord Misanthrope says: A Lord is an individual who has been granted with power, wealth and land by the King of England. I'm a proud owner of 3 castles, 6 estates, 150 loyal servants and 56 hookers.

Kulap says: how old r u?

Lord Misanthrope says: Sixty seven and quarter.

Kulap says: im only 21 but age no mater for me

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes, and you are seeking a rich husband?

Kulap says: yup

Kulap says: who r caring, loyal, respect an willing to support me and family thru hard times

Lord Misanthrope says: How convenient!

Lord Misanthrope says: Support in what way, peasant?

Kulap says: I come frm a poor family

Lord Misanthrope says: I am rich and would support you. My ancestors fought side by side with the Tudors during the War of The Roses (1455). My great ancestor, the Lord Protector James III, mobilised his army and defeated the Duke of Somerset at the battle of St Albans. Since that day the country has been in debt to his services and our family has been blessed with aristocratic riches at the expense of the tax payer for centuries.

Kulap says: watttt much writing there!!

Kulap says: my English no so good1!!!

Kulap says: but u do don't mind my age?

Lord Misanthrope says: 21 is a commendable age, my last wife was 16 when I disposed of her as she became too hairy.

Kulap says: U not with her??

Lord Misanthrope says: No, she was a terrible wife.

Lord Misanthrope says: She wouldn't even swallow.

Kulap says: am single

Lord Misanthrope says: Do you wish to marry me?

Kulap says: yes do u av a picc or cam

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes it's on my profile now.

Lord Misanthrope says: Excuse the women next to me there, thank god I executed her, damn my ex was fat.

Kulap says: ooooo am looking u r handsome

Lord Misanthrope says: Indeed I am.

Kulap says: cuttie

Lord Misanthrope says: Although admittedly I have this terrible scabbing condition which leaves a disgusting puss filled crust over a large portion of my wrinkly body, if you are to be my wife you'll have to file it off every morning.

Kulap says: What time is it there now?

Lord Misanthrope says: its 4 pm

Kulap says: I am 10 hours ahead!

Lord Misanthrope says: I see. How much specifically will your father require in monetary payment to buy you?

Kulap says: whtt????

Lord Misanthrope says: How much money does your family need?

Kulap says: nonono nooooo If I am to marry I want to support them, I will give work then all there needs and wants

Lord Misanthrope says: Work in what capacity? I do not understand, peasant.

Kulap says: any just to find and have money

Lord Misanthrope says: Are you saying that you wouldn't be needing my financial muscle to help your spear throwing family elevate themselves above the poverty line?

Kulap says: if we r getting married I only hope for ur help with family

Lord Misanthrope says: Selflessness and modesty are truly attractive traits. I would like to proceed with this transaction, when can we wed?

Kulap says: wed what is tht

Lord Misanthrope says: Wedding, i.e- getting married

Kulap says: I want to finish my studies here… by next year I would of finish

Lord Misanthrope says: I would prefer a quicker wedding.

Kulap says: wen?

Lord Misanthrope says: I choose castle Dunnottar in Scotland for our wedding location, it will be more than suitable. I would of chosen Cowney castle but unfortunately I believe it to be plague infested.

Kulap says: my parents would want to go

Lord Misanthrope says: That is fine, but do they know how to act in social situations around the Queen, Barack Obama and David Cameron?

Kulap says: I wish for a small wedding

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes, but I have many personal friends collectively called 'The Gang' who desire to attend: David Beckham, Tom Cruise, Elton John, Jimmy Saville, George Bush and Gary Glitter.

Kulap says: Bush??????????????

Kulap says: old president of US????

Lord Misanthrope says: Yes, he calls me Dear Uncle. I know his father, I did a few "backhand" business deals with him in the first Gulf war.

Kulap says: oo icc

Kulap says: im so so shy

Kulap says: I am only a poor girl...

Lord Misanthrope says: It's ok I will protect you, I'm a powerful and rich man. My motto is that I take from the poor and give to the rich.

Kulap says: thanks

Lord Misanthrope says: Will you get your father to organise the stag night?

Kulap says: stag night?????

Lord Misanthrope says: A stag night is where all the old chaps get together and go out for the last time – you know – drinking, drugs and underage Asian prostitutes.

Kulap says: ok I see, my english very  poor

Lord Misanthrope says: that isn't a problem my peasant wife. I must go now. Farewell.

Kulap says: wait do u want to se me on cam

Kulap says: I do dirty :)

Lord Misanthrope says: I will be back in 15 minutes to cyber mount you.

The decline of freedom of speech in the UK

This is 19-year-old Adam Swelling, who after receiving a suspended sentence for assault went onto murder a father-of-3 Gary Lovewell. He was also apparently at the time on bail for other pending crimes. 

This 21-year-old, called Liam Stacy, who was jailed for 56 days for posting drunken racist tweets after the footballer Fabrice Muamba collapsed during an English F.A Cup football match. He first tweeted “LOL fuck Muamaba!! He’s dead!!” and then continued a barrage of race-related insults at the footballer and outraged members of the public as his tweets circulated. 

Around the same time, another idiot, Amzhar Ahmed, 20, was arrested for saying that all British soldiers should go to hell for sending grossly offensive communication.

Whilst insulting someone because of their “race” or career choice is indeed deplorable, it is madness that people risk prosecution, even jailed, because of the language they use on social networks because they crossed cultural taboo or cracked an insensitive joke. Frankly, society already incarcerates enough non-violent criminals. The police were not acquainted with either of the two defendants mentioned, Liam Stacy and Amzhar Ahmed, therefore, we can safely assume that they were no real threat to society. The same cannot be unfortunately said for Adam Swelling, who is one amongst an ocean of repeat violent offenders currently causing crime waves up and down the country, which the police have no real answer for. 

Words are not going to determine the result of an attempted revival after cardiac arrest, nor will words alone blow an airport into smithereens. Sometimes, in a so-called free society, we will hear views, opinions and rants that we don’t agree with or like. An affront to common decency is not sufficient to overturn freedom of speech. 

One of the interesting aspects to internet posting is the anonymity users feel because of the spatial distance technology creates in relation to their verbal target. Consequently, the false security offered through the internet encourages people to articulate nonsense which they wouldn’t usually in a shared  physical domain. The internet revolution has greatly exposed how poor freedom of speech is protected in the UK in this respect since the police decided to take it seriously whilst highlighting how easy it is for the police to initiate an investigation because vaguely written legislation that suits the state and overly sensitive complainants. It is quite unfortunate, even ironic, that the Leverson inquiry would happen around the same time of this erosion of freedom because of the News of The World scandal. It is already known that the UK suffers from the worst defamation laws in the civilised world, which has led to the phenomena of ‘libel tourism.’ Essentially, wealthy litigants worldwide can silence their critics and enforce censorship through the London courts regardless of truth. If you are rich, powerful and dislike criticism the UK will cater for you with Saudi style censorship!

The disturbing trend in which the British police arrest or investigate people because of insensitive remarks on the grounds of it being a ‘hate crime’, or by invoking some other obscure communication law in the event of a complaint, is truly disturbing. Lord Sugar was investigated recently for posting a picture of a crying Chinese child captioned with “The kid is upset because he was told off for leaving the product line of a iPhone5.” Although no action was formally taken against him, it was laughably documented officially as a hate crime

As a linguist I wonder where exactly the line needs to be drawn and what will lead to police investigations tomorrow? And how far reaching should press regulation really be? The preface to George Orwell’s Animal Farm is: “If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” Authoritarian regimes are well known for their airbrushing and selective management of a language via state intrusion. The Soviets were specialists at this and had agencies organised to maintain the standard of Russian being published. OK, so we aren’t quite there yet. Living in a democracy there will be no blanket authoritarian laws implemented like this, instead freedom of speech will be slowly whittled away. People will be funneled into conformity succumbing to whatever the latest euphemism is to not tread on toes, and police will act purely on the volume of complaints they received which is supported by the current laws.

In my opinion, the police in this country have become more ideologically motivated as they have slowly lost control of preventing tradition crimes through traditional means of patrolling. The government says every year that crime is dropping yet most people in reality feel less safe. Official crime statistics are likely dropping because the government recategorises crime and much minor crime now passes unreported. You only need to look at the number of sentences now containing diminished responsibility or manslaughter charges that impact murder statistics (...and vast medical advancements).

Surely there is a way of maturely opposing idiocy from the likes of Liam Stacy, or any other arsehole with a big mouth, without directly opposing freedom of speech? Judges should operate sentencing on the platform of the severity of the crime committed not act wholly on the levels of public offence caused. Such cases shouldn’t really even make it to the courtroom and need to be settled through common sense: open public dismissal and ridicule or allowing its quiet passing. However, this will not happen until various groups drop the ‘Freedom of speech BUT’ mentality.

Britain set to increase support for French military operations in Mali

David Cameron today confirmed that hundreds of British troops will be sent to Mali and neighbouring countries to aid in training exercises as Britain launches itself into a greater support role for French troops.  This is set to include 40 senior military advisors, 200 British soldiers and logistical support to combat Islamic militants.

“I said I wouldn't deploy boots, therefore not to betray my political demeanour I’ve done the exact opposite.  It is a training mission, not a combat mission so we can pretend we aren't involved yet,” the Prime Minister stressed. “The lead on this will clearly be taken by the French, who have the greatest interest in rapidly training up west African forces to replace the French forces that are currently in action in Mali," he said downplaying the British role.

The decision to reinforce the French military is controversial amidst military cuts and growing poverty at home from the continuing economic downturn.  Despite the negativity David Cameron remained upbeat, “We have the military capability and the capacity even in difficult times of austerity. The budgets have been planned in advance, therefore I’ve told the Defence Secretary to book tickets for the troops to arrive in Mali via Ryan Air. Also personnel have received written letters ordering them to bring their own combat clothes that are suitable for outdoor conditions.”

The Prime Minister rubbished parallels between the militants in Libya in 2011 Western powers supported and those currently subjugating Mali. “We have a moral obligation in upholding peace and democracy worldwide. The militants we aided in Libya to topple the brutish Gaddafi were freedom-loving zealots.  However, the Islamic militants in Mali the French are embroiled in fighting with are evil fundamentalists. There is clearly a big difference.”

The Defence Secretary, Philip Hammond, reinforced the Prime Ministers position when questioned about the absence of a British military aircraft carrier during times of unease. “There is no chance of the government blindly putting personnel in irresponsible danger.  Rapid deployment of the Royal Navy’s latest rubber dingy has been mobilised to support military operations.”

French-led forces are continuing their operations against militants in the north of the country after seizing Timbuktu yesterday securing the vital airport. 

Hot Lesbians

Outside the local shop the following conversation ensued during barely-wanted eavesdropping:

“When we was passing town at the bus shelter, uhh, the other night,” said the baseball cap clad teenager.

“After Adam’s, was that?” Replied the second overgrown mass sitting on a child’s bicycle.

“….yeh, and there was these two men…. hugging!” replied the first.

“Hugging? That’s well gay, innit,” said the second.

 “Not natural them gays,” the teenager concurred. 

“I don’t mind those lessies though,” replied the second thoughtfully.

 “I love a lesbian, especially two for my cock,” both laughed in unison at the suggestion.

Business tends to market around the parameters of social acceptability of what sells.  Lesbian erotica has been tapped terrifically into the mainstream over the past decade; From the infamous Britney-Madonna smooches, to ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’, and ‘The L Word’.  Katie Perry’s ‘I Kissed a Girl’ became globally the largest selling single in 2008 selling 5 million copies.  It is difficult to envision the same merchandising effect if Robert Patterson staged a passionate kiss with Tom Cruise at the Golden Globes, although negative furore would furiously be invoked.  Undoubtedly lesbian relationships, at least those involving beautiful women, have become more favourable amongst modern society.

Heterosexual attitudes towards gay men and lesbians have also broadly shown to favour lesbians in national RDD surveys; 92% believed that a female-female relationship can be committed and loving, but only 71% believed male-male ones could be.  47.1% believed that lesbian couples should be allowed adoption rights, but only 33.3% for gay male couples.  The difference is quite horrifying when it is not an orientation issue but an individual one.

The U.S Department of Justice statistics in 2008 concluded that there were 9,691 victims of hate crimes in the United States reported to law enforcement agencies.  Analysis shows that involving sexuality:  57.5% were victims of an offender’s anti-male homosexual bias, whilst 11.6%were victims because of an anti-female homosexual bias.  It is noteworthy that this is only the reported surface.  To delve into the unreported: The Kaiser Family foundation carried out surveys in 2012, and found that gay men were much more likely to be the target of discrimination, men reported 82% compared to lesbians 62%.

This unequal bias is not restricted to ‘The West’.  Since the Iranian Revolution in 1979, there have been over 4000 executions involving homosexuality, and none are known to be female.  Iranian judges can invoke ‘prior knowledge’ where legal loopholes allow criminal convictions on the basis of little or no evidence.  Homosexuality suffers large levels of state-sponsored funding in Africa, and is still outlawed in 38 Africa countries.  Many convictions lead to lengthy prison sentences, and in some countries (Nigeria particularly) the death penalty.  Other countries, such as Ghana, Sierra Leone, Kenya, Mauritius, Seychelles, Lesotho, Malawi, Swaziland, Zimbabwe are either unclear on lesbian relationships or deliberately omit it from the penal code.  Although there are no official statistics available for Africa, the obvious conclusion is that it is men that generally suffer the brunt of state-discrimination.  

Why is there such a world-wide contrasting perception on this issue?

Naturally, it would be wrong to assume that lesbians always get an easier time on the abuse barometer than gay man. The deep-seated misconception of lascivious women innately needing a man for satisfaction (even with their orientation defies it) may be marketable in the West.  However, it has sprouted a uniquely female crime.  Ndumie Funda started a petition in 2011 to lobby the South African government to fight ‘corrective rapes’ on women.  This is a terminology that describes a heinous crime 520 women report suffering yearly in South Africa, one of the few African countries that liberalises homosexuality, often involving gang rape, on a women to ‘correct’ her. 

It is easy to conclude that because men are more sexually mobile cartoonish fantasies involving multiple female partners at once is of great interest.  Also the inaccurate image of all gay men as flamboyantly feminine mortifies the masculinity of some straight men (despite it being possible to adhere to masculine gender roles and be gay).  These stereotypes likely hold some degree of truth, but it is not an acceptable shut-shop settlement. 

The dictator Mugabe once described homosexuality as a foreign import describing them as "worse than dogs and pigs" and “un-African”.  On dissection this view ignores the history of homosexuality; human experiences are not time nor place confined.  It is probable that humanity originated in Africa, and that first homosexual relationship didn’t come long after this event in same area.  Homosexuality is equally spread from East to West, through black and white, and from believer and nonbeliever.  Much of the hard ‘anti-gay’ brigade, despite gay-rights also being exported from such countries now, stems from western countries that were adhering to archaic Abrahamic values.  Christian missionaries indoctrinated communities throughout the world by exposure to the Holy Scriptures (although Islam is now becoming rampant in those countries presently overwriting any recent progress with the same medieval manacles). 

Homosexuality has a colourful history and expression stretching from classical antiquity.  In ancient Greece mature older men acceptably indulged into intercrural relationships with younger men whilst coinciding in a traditional marital marriage.  It was celebrated in art and literature in China throughout the Song, Ming and Qing dynasties stretching over a thousand years without prejudice.  In Papua New Guinea, some tribes believed homosexuality to be an integral part of culture and viewed heterosexuality as sinful but necessary.  Despite Islam and Christianity persecuting homosexuals it has been wild and widespread but wordless.  

Relationships involving women with the same sex does not have this historical depth or at least the limelight.  Femininity is not whittled by same-sex affection. This is not to say such relationships and suffering did not happen, but was not overtly recognised on the radar.  Even within the passages of Leviticus 18:22 the emphasis is on men. This lack of emphasis (or omission) could be from scriptural piety and importantly the lack of anal penetration perceived in lesbian relationships.  Either way it has not been taken as seriously and the greater punishment is on the man. Indeed, women in many societies have been sexual subordinates and the rise such open expression is a modern phenomenon.  Men with men is on our perverse minds.  However, the lighter attitude towards lesbians now that is invoked to attention has trivialised it as a playful and sexy ratings booster.

The parallel paths of both same-sex relationships fork to the same cessation; clone organs promenaded to zero productivity.  Ultimately it is unwise to stipulate that either of these relationships are disadvantageous in fulfilment compared to their heterosexual counterparts and to argue so is ignoring historical occurrences again and again regardless of current societal values. 

 Anyway, I decided to rewrite Katie Perry’s song. I await the day this becomes number one. Meanwhile, we can laugh at our hypocrisy.  

I kissed a boy and I liked it (Katie Perry Remix)

This was never the way I planned,

 Not my intention.

 I got so brave, dick in hand,

 Lost my discretion.

 It's not what, I'm used to.

 Just wanna try pink on.

 I'm curious for you,

 Caught my attention.

I kissed a boy and I liked it

 The taste of his cherry chapstick

 I kissed a boy just to try it

 I hope my daddy don’t mind it

 It felt so wrong.

 It felt so right.

 Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

 I kissed a boy and I liked it,

 I liked it.

No, I don't even know your name,

AIDS don’t matter.

You're my experimental game,

 Just human nature.

It's not what,

Good priests do,

 But it’s how they like to behave.

 My head gets so confused,

 Hard to obey.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

 The taste of his cherry chap stick.

 I kissed a boy just to try it.

 I hope my daddy don't mind it.

 It felt so wrong.

 It felt so right.

 Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

 I kissed a boy and I liked it,

 I liked it.

Us boys we are so magical.

 Soft touch, six packs, so kissable

 Hard to resist so touchable.

 Too good to deny it.

 Ain't no big deal, it's natural.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

 The taste of his cherry chap stick.

 I kissed a boy just to try it.

 I hope my daddy don't mind it.

 It felt so wrong,

 It felt so right.

 Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

 I kissed a boy and I liked it

 I liked it.

Suez 2013?

 

The Suez Canal was built in 1869 cutting through Egypt linking the Mediterranean Sea with the Indian Ocean.  It was instantly of vital importance to Britain as it provided a rapid trade route to the eastern segment of the imperial empire. The canal has had an eventful history.  One notable moment was during the Russo-Japanese war in 1904, the Royal Navy halted Russian entry forcing them to travel around the entire continent allowing Japanese time to organise defences.  Later in the First World War the Ottoman Empire attempted to overtake it to subjugate the Allies supply route.  Similarly it was of important strategic significance during World War Two.  Britain always committed a lot of military might and resources in protecting this highway.

 In July 1957 the President of Egypt, Gamal Abdel Nasser, decided to nationalise the Suez Canal blocking British access.  He wanted Egypt to be leading the Arab world and this was not possible with British influence still strong in the Middle East with the Baghdad Pact. Britain was angered and mobilised its military as it customarily did in the past to solve disputes.  There was also cooperation with Israel and France leading to the Suez Canal being secured.  Egypt was no match against the three powers and militaristically the operations were a success.

There was uproar in the international community and huge rifts were created between allies scrambling for influence in the Middle East.  The major superpowers the USSR and America diplomatically squabbled with Britain, France and Israel.  America was determined to find a ceasefire.  The Soviets threatened to send troops that would force US involvement leading to a new world war.  Both the Soviet Union and America at time were competing for arms deals with Egypt who was cleverly playing both along.  America also disliked the Baghdad Pact, finding common ground with Egypt, and had already opted for a closer relationship with Saudi Arabia.  India, Pakistan, Australia and New Zealand supported the military action (although they did not directly contribute) but many other countries like Syria, Saudi Arabia and South Africa did not.  Syria and Saudi Arabia embargoed Britain.  Britain vetoed America at every opportunity and frustration escalated.

Uncle Sam had an ace hiding up his sleeve.  The Second World War was a war that Britain could simply not afford in outright monetary payments.  It led to the excessive indulgence in massive loans from America knowing it could never be paid back including the loss of strategically important bases.  The lend Lend-Lease Act was passed in 1941 amid Republican isolationist opposition and $31 billion of supplies were shipped.  At its highest point a quarter of munitions, aircraft and food Britain consumed were being bought on the American credit line.  Even more debt was then taken out in postwar rebuilding of around $3 billion. Remember these figures are not in todays terms. $1 billion would equate to over $40 billion today with inflation. The debt grew to stratospheric levels and the American government consequently had gargantuan reserves in sterling.  British debt to GDP staggered back to levels not seen since the Napoleonic wars.  Eisenhower threatened to sell off all their sterling if a ceasefire was not negotiated which would lead to the downfall of the pound.  Britain would not be able to import food or energy with this financial crisis and would collapse devalued and starving.  The effect was immediate and Britain caved in and signed a ceasefire soon after.  The fast cash needed to fight Hitler led to the manacles of debt enshrouding Britain; ultimately ensuring that she’d pay it back in due course, not just with added interest, but with manipulated policies.  The great economist John Maynard Keynes, despite negotiating much of the deals with America during the war, believed that moratorium of war debts should be granted to nations otherwise they risked subjugation.

The aftermath was disastrous and embarrassing.  Russia paraded the UN as the country that stood against imperialist powers and the bullying of smaller countries.  The British Prime Minister Eden was forced to resign.  The blinds came horribly down on the great imperial power without the faintest shimmer of goodbyes.  With her no longer being able to act on a global scale independently decolonisation was rapidly forced through leading to some countries collapsing into civil war or decades of dictatorships.  This is the true story of a conquering superpower that became reduced to a shackled subordinate.  Military power is irrelevant in the midst of suffocating debt leverage and it will send the mightiest army home disgraced in defeat.  

Can history repeat itself? American debt to GDP is now crawling over the important 100% mark. Britain's was roughly 180% in 1957. Chinese owned American debt is perpetually escalating to frightening levels where they impact America's bond market. Over a trillion since 2010 and rising.

According to data released from the Teasury Department China's holding in June of last year was $1.164 trillion. With some western economies still slowing and the debt crisis in Europe it is very like that Chinese holdings will further increase.

 

In 2012, a senior editor of 'The Peoples Mail', which is a state mouthpiece for the Communist party, ran an editorial that encouraged the government to use Chinese owned debt as a political weapon against America in its support of Taiwan.

“Now is the time for China to use its ‘financial weapon’to teach the U.S. a lesson if it moves forward with additional arms sales to the island democracy", he said. China did not act on this possibility and it was not in their current interest.  China and the US have contrasting philosophies; The former being astute with the impact on trade whilst the latter is a foreign policy menace. However, if major crisis occurs in the future where it is more advantageous for China to use bonds as a political weapon and to take a reputation hit; will we see another Suez Crisis? It seems ineveitable with China's growing economic dominance that they will want a larger voice in worldly affairs once established.

Guns

I was asked to pen my opinion of guns and the controversy across the Atlantic of ownership by an American friend.

In a free society a law abiding citizens that are mentally sound should have the right of ownership with appropriate background checks.  Gun ownership is a right and it is as simple as that.  However, it should not be elevated as the flagship of freedom.  Freedom is not measured in the amount of fire power one can accumulate and it is a juvenile thought. Frankly, there are more important freedoms than having the ability to blow someone’s brains out that are suffering erosion.  An example is government’s now holding people indefinitely without evidence under antiterrorism legislation and legalised spying.  Why does this not provoke the violent reaction one sees when debating guns?

America’s obsession with guns stems from a tradition in resisting state influence and the civil war; the right has become imbibed with yokle fantasies of one day overthrowing the American government.  Ultimately this has led to a Wild West environment from paranoid thoughts of dystopian molestation where even the deranged can become dangerously armed.  There is now statistically a gun for every American citizen and the firearms industry is worth $31 billion and climbing.  The firearms industry is strongly represented in congress and continually lobbies the government.  This has led to the purchase of guns being less intrusive than pharmaceuticals and there are greater restrictions in driving a car. Guns have not acclimatised to the rest of society and lag horribly behind.  Roughly 40% of firearms sold in America require no background check.  It is quite shocking.

Despite this overt firearms culture that has been established it is laughable to think that deviantic renegades with small-arms could ever topple the American government, police or military in a standoff.  You’d need surface to air missiles, cruise missiles and tanks to achieve such an objective against such powerful opposition.  Bills rifle will be no match against a professionally trained soldier in full body armour with air support.  The argument is medieval it belongs in the past with muskets and cannonballs.  It was shown recently in Egypt that passive resistance and combined voices in peaceful solidarity still trumps firearms in removing unwanted regimes.  Contrast this with Syria where armed citizens are still dying daily.  It is too easy for a government to justify violence in the face of violence. Gun sales rocketed at the inauguration of Obama and whenever there is a mass shooting.  This behaviour is a shockingly myopic cycle that ends in more deaths.  Credible change will come through the voting booth not the false sense of security in guns.

So, what about the argument of protection? Indeed, on a personal level guns can empower people and can be used to protect people and their families.  Holding a gun in your hand can make an individual feel immensely powerful.  However, these happenings are relatively infrequent and the risk of accidents, suicide and murder rockets when a firearm is in the vicinity.  This is particularly true of urban areas.  Being attacked at home still remains the most unlikely place to be attacked.  On a societal level overall more guns do not equate to less crime, it is factually impossible and overly simplifying the issue.  America has a murder rate higher than many developing countries, i.e. Yemen, India, Pakistan and even Niger.  Hammers, knives and neither the sword is the preferred murder weapon but guns.

That is not to say that the model here in the UK is perfect. We have very strict gun laws in place, in my opinion too strict.  The problem with greater restrictions is that it inevitably leads to law abiding citizens being infringed upon and loss of rights.  This is not desirable or fair. The 1997 handgun ban in the UK did not lead to less crime; gun crime involved these weapons is up tenfold in some urban areas.  It was a catastrophic misjudgement by the public.

America is too riddled with guns for blanket banning to take place, too many will ignore it and firearms can survive generations with little maintenance. People in the US take their second amendment seriously, and I respect that.  Here in Europe we  have a hideous habit of thinking problems can be solved by politicians weilding new laws and implementing bannings. Common-sense is needed before indulging into a festival of regulation and restrictions as some are doomed to fail; Forcibly removing guns will end in utter failure.  Universal background checks and more scrutiny is needed when purchasing . The banning of absurd gun shows where they are unscrupulously sold and sexed must be taken.  Metal detectors at all schools and public buildings.  Government campaigns to deglamourise firearms and perhaps amnesties of unwanted guns should take place.  Also consideration for rural folks where the practical application of guns is greater than urban areas needs addressing.  Politician's that support such moves need to take the initiative against the pro-gun lobby whilst the momentum is there. The NRA will resist any changes even reasonable ones and people need to stand up to their bullshit.