Most of these shows appeal to the apish impulses: the vapid
voyeurism, the seedy sex and front-page celebrity gossip. Reality TV is pitched people who have nothing
better to do in their lives apart from ponder the latest horse-testicle diet
craze or discuss why Britney Spears cut off her left tit at the Grammy’s.
This expertly crafted-shit tainting our screens reaches a mythical
summit as the contestants are deliberately confined into a cramped compartment
amidst staged provocation. The
composition of these media monstrosities are largely the dregs of decency: sleazy celebrities, camp cross-dressers, pompous politicians, and the attention
seeking afflicted coupled with fizzled has-been fools. Controversy
and ignorance naturally erupts and the producers are bestowed with weeks of
shrill gossip from dogmatic drama causing heightened viewing ratings and multiplying
millions into their bank accounts.
I have to wonder how far we have come as a civilised society
when millions of people fry their minds watching hideous programmes like ‘The
Fat Fuck Makeover: Brazilian Wax Special’ and ‘Make My Putrid Girlfriend Attractive’. You will hear about it all week
if slutty Sarah slips her melon tits out on a live show, whilst honest people committed
to helping others and saving lives go largely unnoticed and uncelebrated. Instant fame is being granted to the wholly
undeserving and society has lost focus on what is really important.
I can’t think of a single reason not to imperialise and
export these admirable values onto the remaining uncivilised savages worldwide,
as ‘advanced’ nations have largely and successfully done, converting everyone in
adopting this enlightened way of life.
I decided to create my own reality TV formats.
My first Reality television programme is called 'Gay for a
Month'. Simply take heterosexual celebrity
couples and parallel each sex into new homosexual relationships decided by
prior public phone-in voting. The
challenge is ultimately to become gay. Once the pairs are chosen and bound by civil partnership
they will be transported to cottages in Devon where they can adjust to their
new lifestyle change and joe public can watch them on camera for 24 hours a day. Gay personal trainers will be coaching the
contestants in the fine art of carpet munching and the use of the double-ended
dildo amongst other gay activities. The
winning couple will be voted by a panel consisting of Elton John, George
Michaels, Graham Norton and David Beckham.
My next Reality television series will be called ‘Smackhead
Travel’. This is where we gather together fame seeking anti-drugs campaigner's
and make them travel the world via cheap airline tickets. The main challenge is to see what volume of
illegal drugs they can shove up their arses inside condoms. Jamaican yardie
personal trainers will teach the contestants techniques on how to bribe customs
officials, avoid detection and resist arrest. As this will be a programme tailored for all
ages, a dog called ‘Sniffie’ will be brought into appeal to families and youngsters. ‘Sniffie’ will be a highly trained police dog
that attempts to detect our contestants on their travels. The spectacular finale will consist of the contestants
pulling condoms out of their arse with their left-hand in the centre of
Heathrow Airport Terminal 3, whilst taking a heated phone-call from a drug lord and
simultaneously attempting to bribe customs officials all at once. The shows panel of judges will include Russell Brand and a group
of rappers to conclude the most effective drugs pusher.
Reality TV is pitched people who have nothing better to do in their lives apart from ponder the latest horse-testicle diet craze or discuss why Britney Spears cut off her left tit at the Grammy’s.
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