A helpful shove for the suicidal

Don’t you just hate it when some selfish suicidal bastard decides to sit on the edge of a building for 3 hours instead of quickly jumping? The police block off the entire area turning it into a static waiting game until the offender jumps. When he’s done the deed everyone is pointing and laughing while the medical team scrape the mushy remains into a bucket to take to the zoo to feed the hyenas.

I’m not saying that you shouldn't enjoy your suicide, after all you only die once and therefore you need to make the most of it.  I know that suicide can be an excellent stunt to get revenge on your girlfriend after she has dumped you.  It can also be an escape from embarrassment if you have failed your exams. Suicide can be a permanent solution for an epic failure like yourself. However, please do not let it affect others in the process.

Also, make it an entertaining suicide:  head-butt a wall instead or try drink a bottle of bleach.  We don't want to see any more fat people belly-flopping off buildings onto the hard concrete or teenagers attempting paracetamol overdoses, thank you. I'm officially a suicide prevention counsellor and if anyone wants my advice just ask for my number. 

My first idea to prevent these ongoing nuisance from happening needs the employment of The Designated Pusher. At any time when a depressed attention seeking loony wants to kill themselves by jumping off a building The Pusher -who is dressed in a full length flowing cape and silly mask- will run behind him to give a helpful shove while the police are distracting him with a loud speaker. Ultimately this cuts down on congestion, police time, and general frustration. These people feel like the worst people in the world and they are in need of a little help. They are not just recklessly suicidal but are also highly indecisive.

My second idea is to place a large thin piece of paper on the concrete ground to where the offending time waster is planning to jump, this plain paper will mimic the look of a giant cushion thus fooling him into jumping.  There could be a Suicide Betting League where rich white men bet thousands on when the jumper is going to kill themselves by using a timer. The closest guesser is the winner! I see many niches and profits available with this idea.